Autism Acceptance Blog: Louise Jakobsen, Browse Management Officer at London Zoo.

To begin our World Autism Acceptance Campaign for 2025, Louise Jakobson (Browse Management Officer at London Zoo, and Chair of the BIAZA Giraffid SubGroup) shares her journey:

Is it just me?

That is a question I have asked myself many times throughout my life; when I was a kid and watched the other kids play and have fun, when I didn’t know what to say or do in situations and became awkwardly mute, when I got stressed if colleagues didn’t leave tools in the exact same place as I left them, when I was surrounded by people and yet felt alone and isolated. Is it just me? Why am I always making the same mistakes? Why am I always upsetting people? Why do I see things in a different way to everyone else? Why do I feel different to everyone else?

My name is Louise, and I have just been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

I have always felt like a misunderstood kid who didn’t fit in anywhere. Mostly well-behaved and quiet, but with a troubled mind and as I wandered further into adulthood, the more frustrated I became, the more isolated I felt, and I suffered many burnouts which I had always put down to working too hard.

In 2018, I followed a conversation about neurodiversity in a Facebook group. One comment made my world stop for a moment. A lady with autism gave some examples of her challenges and suddenly, everything in my life made sense. Up until this moment, I assumed that autism was just the stereotypical example of a non-verbal person with superpowers. I messaged the lady, and we had a chat. She kindly sent me some links to thorough online tests and the results suggested a 98% likelihood of autism.

I will be honest, I got quite upset. I don’t know why, but it really shook me. I didn’t do anything further about it. The waiting list for an assessment was overwhelmingly long, Covid hit, time flew, and I was concerned that if I mentioned it at work, it would affect my career development as I was convinced, I couldn’t be trusted with responsibilities.

I didn’t realise exactly how much ASD impacted me until late 2024 when I was faced with some challenges that completely floored me. I ended up being off sick with stress and depression for some time and was then on light duties for a while. This is when I decided that I had to get some clarification and understand more about what was going on inside my head, and I ordered a private assessment.

After filling out numerous questionnaires and attending a five-hour long assessment in person, the diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder was confirmed. The examiners also saw signs of ADHD and recommended further assessment.

Now, you would think that having the clarity would be a relief, I certainly thought so. I did not anticipate how upset I would get, or how overwhelmed by it all I would feel. A 47-page long report really takes it out of you!

But what does it look like? Firstly, autism is presented in many different ways from person to person, from day to day, from year to year. Male and females present it differently too with females known to be masking much better than males, which is why many females are not diagnosed until adulthood. One of my biggest challenges in the workplace is that if I get really frustrated, I lose my filter of what is appropriate to say and do.

Having ASD and ADHD together (known as AuDHD) is a little like tug of war where two opposite desires try to dominate each other. I have sensory sensitivities but need stimulation, I have comforting special interests but need to switch tasks, I prefer strict routines but struggle sticking to them, I love planning and analysing into the tiniest details, but I become impulsive and spontaneous. I can have the biggest patience in the world, but if the car in front of me doesn’t move within the first second the light goes green…! Common for both conditions include intense emotional reactions, social misunderstandings and difficulties, easily being overwhelmed and overstimulated. And then there are the meltdowns/shutdowns when the body and brain is trying to accommodate more than is physically possible.

They say that the diagnosis doesn’t change you, but that is what makes me upset. I now know that I will always be struggling with life, I will still feel frustrated and confused, and I will most likely keep burning out because I am constantly filtering, overanalysing, adapting, masking, and dealing with sensory overloads.

I am still processing the diagnosis, and I need to figure out how I can look after myself better. But I am sure that I will settle down and find my strengths again. I have some amazing colleagues, a very supportive workplace, and a fantastic manager, so I am well looked after.

If you have suspicions of being neurodiverse, I strongly recommend getting an assessment so you can get the support to be your authentic self. I wish I had done it sooner, it may have saved me from some significant burnouts.

- Louise Jakobsen, Browse Management Officer at London Zoo

All blogs reflect the views of their author and are not necessarily a reflection of BIAZA's positions